Lonely, sitting right next to each other?
You're not drifting apart because you love each other less. Your attention has been pulled away. Here's what the research says about connection, and one small way back to each other.
Three ideas in one minute
We're built for connection
Across 148 studies and more than 300,000 people, stronger relationships went with a 50% greater likelihood of survival.
Holt-Lunstad et al., 2010Attention is how love travels
Phones are good at narrow "spotlight" attention. Connection lives in the wide, open "lantern". It's hard to be in both at once.
After Alison GopnikNobody is the bad guy
51% of people in relationships say their partner is at least sometimes distracted by their phone. Most of us are on both sides of that.
Pew Research Center, 2020Start here
Why we need each other
A short, honest walk through the research on love, attention and phones. What's well established, what's still debated, and why none of it is about blame.
Read the essay"Most couples don't need more time together. They need to look up during the time they have."
One gentle answer
Not a date night. Just a look up.
When you're close to each other and both of your phones have been in use for 20 minutes, both phones give one soft pulse and the same small question to ask each other:
“What made you smile today?”
A different one each time. Often about something good in your day, sometimes playful, now and then a little deeper.
Nobody has to be the one who says it. Then the app steps back. No scores, no tracking, no data.
Try tonight
A ten-second lantern
When you put your phone down, give it ten seconds before you say anything. Look around the room, and at the person in it. Then ask one real question.
Why this worksFrom the library
Phones and the people beside us
How common is it?
Sitting side by side, both on our phones. What surveys of couples actually find, and what they can't tell us.
PromisingPhones and the people beside us
Phones are not the villain
The research on phones is more mixed than the headlines. What it does show, what it doesn't, and why that matters.
MixedLantern and spotlight
Two kinds of attention
Spotlight and lantern. A simple idea from developmental psychology that explains a lot about evenings on the sofa.
An idea, not a finding"It's all about love. Even if it just adds a smile, that's enough."